Sexual abuse ...

How to talk about it and help your kids prevent it.

The Stats:

Statistics suggest that 40-50% of all females and upwards of 30% of males will suffer sexual abuse of some kind before age 18. Those may be conservative figures. It is estimated that only 10% of all acts of sexual abuse against females get reported. The average age that a female child experiences sexual abuse is 8 years old. Think about it the next time you're out at church, the mall or when you drop you kid off at school ... maybe 50% of the women and girls you see and 30% of the men and boys have been sexually molested at some time in their lives. Telling your child to "stay away from strangers" isn't enough. Seventy-five percent of sexually abused children were molested by someone they know.

What it is:

Lots of people are confused about what sexual abuse of a child really means. By my definition, it is any sexual contact or act with a child by person in a position of power or trust for the purpose of personal gratification. You may notice I did not add "against their will" because there is no such thing as "consensual sex" with a child. No minor child is capable of making an informed choice to have sex. Even if they supposedly "went along with it," it was not consensual. Period. Does that sound pretty harsh? Think about it. Even though the "age of consent" varies from state to state, is your 12, 14 or 16 year old child really capable of making a clear and informed decision about having sex? Nope. How about your 8 year old?

Since the majority of pregnant 14-15 year old girls are impregnated by men over 20, is that sexual abuse? Yup. Ok, I'll get off my soapbox. Back to the facts:

Here's an important one. Sexual abuse of a child is almost never perpetrated by a homosexual or lesbian. The perpetrators are nearly 100% heterosexual males, although the reported incidents of perpetration by females are increasing.

What to signs to look for ...

Some children can't disclose they are being or have been sexually abused. They might be too young or too scared. Children with developmental disabilities may not have the cognitive or verbal ability to express what's happened to them. But, there are symptoms that we can look for which may indicate sexual abuse.

These include rapid and unexplained changes in their mood or behavior. An "A" student suddenly is failing some of her classes. A child exhibits fearful reactions to a previously trusted family member or friend. A 5 year old starts "humping" his teddy bear or showing an abnormal interest in his little sisters genitals. Precocious sexual knowledge can be a sign of sexual abuse or exposure to pornography. A toddler who screams hysterically every time they're dropped off at childcare or for visitation and is violent or withdrawn upon return may be being abused. Often adolescent boys will become very violent, start stealing and fire-setting, or hurting small animals and pets. Promiscuity in older children as well as substance abuse and criminal behaviors is often precipitated by sexual abuse. Many runaway children, especially girls, are trying to escape abuse in their homes. And, of course, sexual perpetration of other children by a child commonly but not always indicates they have experienced sexual abuse of their own.

What can we do about it?

Talk to your children.

There are many things adults can do to prevent childhood sexual abuse. The first and most important thing we can do is TALK. Silence is one of the greatest contributors to sexual abuse. Explain in terms appropriate to their development what "bad" and "good touch" are. Tell them what their rights are over their bodies; who can touch them, when and where. Use the correct terms: penis instead of "winky" or "tinkler;" vagina instead of just "down there." Even the term private parts isn't clear enough. Just think, if you're too embarrassed to call a body part by its real name, how is your child going to feel comfortable telling you that the 16 year old boy down the street just did something "bad" to them? Or that Cousin Frank just made them touch his penis?

Talk about sex. Talk about what it is, what it's for and who should be having it. Of course, it's not appropriate to explain sex to a 5 year old in the same terms you would with a teenager. If you don't know what to say, don't just avoid it. There are lots of resources to help you. Start with your local Planned Parenthood office. They have brochures, books and videos perfect for your child no matter what age.

And tell them to say "NO" when something someone else is doing to them feels bad or confusing. Practice screaming "NO!" with them until they can do it at the top of their lungs. And don't forget to talk about some of the other kinds of sexual abuse ... genital exposure, obscene phone calls, sexual harassment by peers, etc. Balance the conversations with discussions about what "good touch" is, too.

Make a plan.

Make a plan with your child that covers everything to do if your child experiences sexual abuse. Decide together who to tell immediately when something happens ... a teacher when it happens at school, a Scout leader if happens there, their minister, a trusted neighbor if you're not home, or any other authority figure available right then. Assure them that no matter what the perpetrator threatened them with if they told, you will not allow it to happen.

Share the plan.

Share the plan you and your child have devised with everyone. Tell their teachers; tell your relatives and friends; tell your neighbors; tell your childcare workers, the Little League coaches. Everybody! Tell anyone who has contact with or supervision of your child what your plan to protect your child is and what you will do if he or she is abused or molested. When a potential molester hears that you and your child have an action plan which will go into effect immediately if your child is abused, they will be far less likely to pick your child to victimize.

Don't keep secrets.

Create an atmosphere of openness and trust in your home. Be honest about what goes on there and what you're feeling. A child is born with an instinct, an innate ability to detect the emotions of the people around them. While they may not be able to interpret their meanings, they always know something's up. If we deny it, we're inadvertently short-circuiting their intuition and making it difficult for them to trust their own feelings. That's exactly what a perpetrator counts on ... their ability to convince a child what they're doing to them is OK even though it feels bad.

 Set good boundaries.

Show by example that your child's body is their own and they have certain rights that shouldn't be violated. This might take some soul-searching because there are many things adults do without thinking which are boundary violations. Let's look at a few. Be prepared; you might disagree with some of them.

I'll start with my favorite: corporal punishment. Spanking, slapping, "whupping," hitting,  paddling, "giving 'em licks," or whatever you want to name it are violations of the child's boundaries.  "Whoa!", you say. "You mean I can't discipline my child?" No, that isn't what I'm saying. 

The word discipline comes from the Latin "to teach." What we teach our children with corporal punishment is that it's ok for me to hurt you because I'm bigger and stronger and "right." This is exactly what the sexual predator wants them to believe. What I am saying is there are better ways to communicate that the child just did something not good for them and there are other things they can do instead. Believe me, corporal punishment is not an effective teaching tool. You will find very few prisoners who are incarcerated because they weren't hit enough as a child. In fact, the opposite is more often true.

Other things adults do are not as insidious but have their effects. Making little Suzie kiss Uncle Henry on the mouth when she clearly doesn't want to. Letting Cousin Billy tickle your 8 year old until they can't breathe. The "fun" family wrestling matches in which young Keith is always getting hurt. Telling a Mary to always do what grown-ups tell her to do. Acting like children have nothing valuable to say or their questions are stupid. These are all ways of indicating to a child that how they feel isn't considered important.

Believe the child.

Although you hear many stories about children making false claims, they're mostly "urban myths." Children almost never lie about sexual abuse. Think about it. Most kids are aware enough to know at some level there's probably going to be an uproar if they report being molested. And whatever it is, it's probably going to be frightening and embarrassing. So, most children are not going to make up a story with those kinds of consequences just for attention. Even if it turns out the child did lie, it's a good indication there are some things seriously wrong needing professional intervention.

If your child tells you he or she has experienced bad touch, believe and act on this information ... immediately. Even if the alleged perpetrator is a relative or a close family friend ... take action. Yes, you're going to be in for an upsetting time. You may even have a family member removed from the home or a "pillar of the community" brought down. Your relatives and friends may turn on you for "making trouble" or "destroying the family." But, the long term consequences for your child and your relationship with him or her will be a far worse if you don't. It will also allow the perpetrator to victimize more children. Don't let that happen.

Take action.

If you suspect your child has been sexually abused, calmly but firmly take action. Start by listening and being supportive. Stay in control of your anger, as hard as that might be. Your child is already overwhelmed by emotions ... adding yours won't help. It may cause them to try and take care of your feelings instead. Get the basic facts, assess the damage and take action. Help your child explain who, when, and where. 

Don't get frustrated with a younger child who can't tell you the exact date ... little ones have a different concept of time. Use important events or holidays to begin to develop a time window of when it might have occurred, like before or after Christmas, a birthday, vacation, school starting or ending, etc. And, remember, sometimes the abuse was so traumatic the child has blocked much of the information including who the perpetrator was or looked like. The perpetrator has most likely told them bad things will happen to them or to you if they tell. Therapy is especially important in helping the child overcome their fear, recover the memory and express what happened.

Takes notes or audio or video tapes, if possible, of what your child has said, and keep a log of who you report to and their responses. Don't let any officer of the law tell you it's not reportable or a waste of time! If that officer won't take the report, move on up the chain of command until you find someone who will. 

If your child seems to be injured, seek medical attention. Be careful not to destroy or disturb evidence such as semen or saliva. Sexual abuse of a child is hard to prove and even harder to prosecute. Estimates are that less then 17% ever get to the courtroom and only 2% of those charged are convicted. DNA testing may be your only hard evidence.

Report! Call your local Child Protective Services (CPS) and or law enforcement agency. CPS may instruct you to make a report to the police depending on whether the perpetrator lives in or outside the home. These policies seem to change from time to time, and vary from state to state. Find out what they are before you need to implement them.

In Amarillo, after an report has been made, your child may be referred to The Bridge Child Advocacy Center. This is an agency who's specialty is interviewing child victims of assault on videotape in such a way that the tape is admissible as evidence. This may spare your child from having to be interviewed more often than necessary. See if this is a choice.

Don't assume your case will be prosecuted or even investigated. Protection of children in our society appears to not enjoy the priority it deserves. In all fairness, most of the agencies mandated to protect our children are sorely understaffed and face funding cuts during lean years which don't restored during the "fat" years. Like most people in human services, they're overworked and underpaid. Keep that in mind when working with them. But, like they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."

Support & reassure your child.

Reassure them over and over that they were not responsible for their abuse, that it wasn't their fault and that they probably couldn't have stopped it. Applaud their courage for telling. Assure them you will be there to help them in any way possible. Emphasize that this has not changed them, ruined their life, made them dirty or bad, made her a whore, or means he is "gay" in the case of a same-sex molester. Tell them repeatedly they shouldn't be ashamed. Never ever say or imply that something they did must have brought on the abuse.

Talk about the abuse whenever he or she wishes. Don't say, "Let's just put that behind us, Honey," when they want to talk. Provide them with reading materials and reference sources. Make them aware of how many other children they know probably have had the same experience so they won't feel like they're the only ones.

Now, here comes the hard part. I believe the molested child needs a heartfelt apology from every person who was responsible for protecting him or her from abuse, Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles ... everybody. Even if you know there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, apologize. Your child needs it, and you do, too. For, no matter what a parent knows in their head, in their heart they feel guilty and somehow responsible. I think it best not to ask for forgiveness ... that puts the child in a bind. Just apologize for not being there or not seeing what was going on, and promise to never let it happen again. It can bring about some measure of healing for all involved.

Seek professional help.

Depending on the length, severity and violence of the sexual abuse, this experience can have catastrophic effects on a child's life ... as well as the family's. Some children appear to be able to go on with their lives without experiencing long-term difficulties. This is especially true with successful identification and prosecution of the molester. But, most children are left confused, angry and frightened, and their families in crisis. 

Professionally trained therapists can help reduce the trauma and facilitate healing for both the child and the family. Don't expect the child to "just get over it" like you expect you would as an adult. I have seen hundreds of adult clients who didn't get over their childhood abuse and suffered unnecessary pain for a better part of their lives. Get help immediately!